I had made some big changes, for me and my family. They were hard and would require a lot of resolve, patience and determination to carry out. All the arrangements were made and thats when the gates of hell opened to stop my progress. I had the most overwhelming day. Everything was awful. The thoughts in my head were, "No one wants your help. Stop trying. Give up." when that didn't work, they began, "You really have no friends. Check your texts. No one has texted you in days. That's because they don't care about you. You are always the one who is inviting, never the one being invited. What must they think of you that the only time you do anything with anyone is when you organize it?" and it went on and on... messages similar to those came one after another and everything in my life was proving the voices right. It was bombarding me. I could mentally see what was happening but it began to get to me. Then the evil one got my family in on it too... and everything they did pointed to my insignificance. To my lack of importance. To my aloneness. No amount of understanding was changing the way I FELT. I knew what was happening yet the feelings were overwhelming me.
I went to bed that night with all of this swirling in my brain. I was full on under attack. I couldn't stop the voices in my head. They were screaming at me. Trying to destroy me. I cried myself to sleep feeling utterly alone. I woke the next morning at 4 AM and the thoughts in my head began again. They wouldn't stop and to add insult to injury, now I couldn't sleep either. My head wouldn't shut up and I felt weighed down by the burden of my thoughts. I got up and got dressed and left the house. Sure no one would care or notice. I got in the car and drove to the Riparian Preserve and sat on a bench in the dark. Just me and my miserable thoughts.
In the dark before the sun rose, I could hear dozens of geese honking and making a ruckus. They would all make a bunch of noise then take off together as a group. A few minutes later, another group of birds would repeat the process. Lots of noise (I guess to rally the group) then they would take off. There were groups of birds everywhere repeating this scene. Of course there were... someone was inviting all of them to take off but not me. I was alone. Sad and alone.
I sat there for an hour in the dark. Crying and feeling sorry for myself. No one was around till the sun began to rise and a group of 3 ladies came past me walking and chatting. They didn't say anything to me. In fact, they acted like I wasn't there. Completely invisible. Just like I felt... My misery was unbearable and I cried. Where were my friends? Where was someone to call me? Invite me? Care about me? My pity party was monumental.
I prayed that God would send me a sign that these voices that were working so hard to destroy my self esteem were wrong. That I wasn't really alone. That I mattered. I cried that I didn't want to be alone. That I needed some help.
Then I looked up and from across the lake I saw a single duck leave the group and swim the length of the lake over to me. It took a while but slowly the duck made it to me. The level of the water is a foot or two below the sidewalk where I sat so when the duck got to where I was sitting, I couldn't see it and it couldn't see me. I could just see the top of its head as it swam back and forth in front of me. Finally, it flew out of the water and up to the sidewalk in front of me. It looked at me, took a few steps toward me and looked at me again and moved closer again till it was right in front of me - a foot or so away. There we sat - just me and a duck. Looking at each other. That duck sat there with me for 20 minutes. Just looking at me. Seeing me. Groups of birds honked and quacked and took off and flew away but not that duck. The sun rose and the sky lit up but the duck stood right there watching me. Who can be sad having a staring contest with a duck? Really...?
So... some may say it was just a duck... I know that God's love comes in many shapes and sizes but for me, it came in the shape of a duck that day. That wasn't really what I had wanted, but with the resources at hand, what was I expecting? All I know is that thru a duck, I felt His love. I felt that in this whole big world of sadness and hurt, God saw me and my burden and sent me a duck to comfort me. It worked. After 20 minutes, the duck silently turned around and hopped back in the water and swam to the other side of the lake again and disappeared into the reeds.
I went home comforted. The grip the devil had on me had loosened. I lifted my head up, went on with being who I am and doing what I am meant to do. I felt seen, of worth, important. I felt God's love for me.
If a duck could make such a difference in my struggle, how much difference could a real person make to one who is fighting demons that are real and powerful - bent set on demoralizing them when they have something important to do?
I guess the moral of my story is: Be someone's duck. You don't have to say a word. Sometimes just seeing another person and being there is enough.
