Value and Worth

A few weeks ago, we went to Lake Powell with some great friends.  We were there over the weekend so, on Sunday we boated into the marina and drove to church in Page.

I love to go to church no matter where I am but the reality of getting there always requires a  tremendous amount of effort.  It's painful...  Often the pushback I get from my family makes my goal of getting there seem like it isn't worth it...  But once I get there, it always is.

This day was like every other.  No one wanted to go.  Those who weren't actively protesting were passively protesting.  Life was painful.  Eventually we made it to the chapel in Page and settled in.   It was fast Sunday and after the Sacrament was passed there was sharing of testimonies.  It was a great meeting and I was particularly touched by one of the testimonies.

Another visitor stood and shared this story.

She had gone to the Louve (one of my favorite places) and she had gone on a tour with the docent.  The guide told them at the beginning of the tour that there are over 40,000 items on display at the museum and thousands more in storage waiting to be rotated in.  He commented that after seeing about 300-400 items (only about 1% of the museum's collection), people usually begin to wonder why certain items are there.   He said that the Louve is the MOST important museum in the world and if an item is on display there, it is because it is very important.  It has historical significance and is very valuable.  Then they began their tour.

After they had been touring for an hour or two, right on cue, a lady in her group began to be tired,  irritated, critical, and judgmental.   She saw something she just didn't think had importance that was significant enough to warrant a place in the Louve.   What's the point?  To her it seemed silly and unimportant.  She finally spoke up and said, "Why is this even here?!?  I just don't get it..."  The group paused and turned to the docent to hear his response.  He responded by saying, "Yah, but don't you wish you could?".

The woman's understanding or comprehension of the item's worth or significance didn't change it's value.  What a lesson to learn.   How many of us don't understand?  Don't get it?  Discount things of value because we don't understand?  We can't see so we don't value...  We don't get the signifigance so we don't see the worth...  We don't understand the context or history so it must be worthless...

I watch people around me everyday who mock what is of most worth to me - the gospel of Jesus Christ.   They discount it's value because they don't understand - they can't see or they don't want to see - they don't comprehend how things fit together so they decide the best way to combat what they don't comprehend is to criticize and complain.

It boggles my mind sometimes that things that are so plain and precious can be such a stumbling block and source of contention for others.  And at the same time, I wish I understood more... there are so many things I don't know.

I guess that is the point of my journey here - to learn enough, to understand enough, to see clearly enough so that I value what I have right in front of me - which is a beautiful world, a loving father in heaven, a plan to return to him thru Jesus Christ my Savior and a stewardship to help others see clearly too.  That I give worth to things that have eternal value and significance.

So the answer to the question, for me, is "YES!  I wish I could!"

I wish, with all my heart, that I could understand more than I do.   I wish so much that others could see that our understanding/comprehension of things does not add or subtract from it's true worth.  We cannot devalue the worth of something by simply saying it isn't important.  We cripple ourselves, hinder our own progress when we discredit things because we don't understand.

So it's worth it to me to struggle to get my family to church.  Sometimes I don't get it - why it has to be so hard but I know that in the end it is always worth it.  I don't get it either... a lot of the time but...

I wish I could.

So I will keep on trying until I do.

I am a Daughter

We go to Mexico every Fall Break and have for several years.  It is AWESOME!  We love the condo we rent at Sonoran Sea.  We love the mangos and surf, the friends and shared meals.  It is so fun.   We couldn't ever imagine a Fall Break without Mexico.  Until last year.  

The condo we stay in needs to be booked pretty quickly after we leave for the next year but when we checked out last year I go a NO GO feeling.   We went home and didn't book it.   Don't go...  A few months later some friends started reminding us to book it and we didn't.  Don't go...  I felt strongly that we shouldn't go.  A few months after that the families we usually go with began to put the pressure on and we began to feel pangs of remorse for not planning to go.  And still I felt we shouldn't go.  Such a strange sensation to want to do something and feel like you shouldn't but not understand why...

Finally James and I decided that if we weren't going to Mexico, maybe we could go to General conference.  That felt right.  We moved ahead with our plan.  As we moved ahead, we realized Tyler, my nephew, was going in the MTC the week we would be there.  So we would be there and so would my sister and her family who live in Tennessee.  My whole family would be in the same place at the same time.  That NEVER happens.  I talked to my dad about having a family reunion.  He agreed and we booked the Hobble Creek Lodge for the weekend.  Ironically enough, we ended up NOT going to Conference but enjoying a beautiful weekend together as a family.  We watched conference, paddled around in the canoe on the pond, took family pictures, cooked, played Scum, made a gratitude wall, had a talent show, and made memories.  

At the end of the weekend, Bumpa (my dad) let everyone know that he is ill with prostate cancer and that he will be having surgery in November.  It was so beautiful to have had that time together.  All of us.  At that moment it all made sense...  No Go.  We needed to be somewhere else and God knew that way before we did.  I was so grateful for the promptings and for the experience we were able to have as a family together.

When we left Utah, I hugged my dad and emotion filled up in me.  Gratitude for having such a wonderful man as my father and worry for his health.  I couldn't help the tears that began to fall.  It all just came gushing out.  And true to form, my dad had something ready to say.   He said, "Remember how I told you I read your blog? - I noticed that your title says, 'My name is Tricia.  I am a wife, a mother, a dancer, a writer, a photographer and a believer in Christ.'  You left something out.  Daughter.  You were my daughter first - before you were any of those other things.  Will you do me a favor when you get home and fix your blog so it includes daughter?"    

Yah... that didn't help me stop crying....  But true to my word I am changing it to include the word daughter because that was the first thing I was.  And maybe all the other things I am are because of it.  I guess I do owe who I am today to being a daughter.  I am the daughter of AMAZING parents.  I am sure not everything was perfect in my childhood home but the overall feeling I get when I reflect on the job my parents did is Goodness.  My life has been good and I have been able to grow and stretch and become who I am because of the home they gave me.  There is a lot of them in me. 

I used to think I was just like my mom - artistic, creative and energetic.  But the older I get, the more I recognize my dads characteristics in myself.  Resourcefulness, persistence, and science minded.  If I could go back to college again, I think I would study the physical sciences - physics, geology, astronomy.   There is a lot of my dad in me because I am his.  I am also a daughter of God.  There is something of Him in me because I am His as well.  I don't always notice it but the older I get, the more I notice that there are parts of me that I can't explain - and my hope is that I not only become like my earthly father but my Father in Heaven as well. 

So who am I?

'My name is Tricia.  I am a daughter, a wife, a mother, a dancer, a writer, a photographer and a believer in Christ.'  

Such a long time ago... I almost forgot but the first thing I ever was, was a daughter.  Thanks Dad.

Books, Grace and Mercy

I love my book club. Amy Seiter and I started it almost 14 years ago. Over the years we have laughed and cried together and discussed SO many books. Every September we have a retreat to pick 11 new books for the year. We work really hard to read lots of different genres. From Classics to Historical Fiction to Self Help and Mysteries, we read it all. Some are better than others because truly, some books are life changers and others are just reading candy. 

A while back, we decided to read the unabridged version of Les Mis. I got it and read and read and read and barely made a dent in the epic work. But I did discover more depth in the pre story of how Jean Val Jean got to where he was and I’ve been thinking a lot about the story ever since… In the story, a guy named Jean ValJean is a young man and steals a loaf of bread to feed his sister’s starving children. He is caught and put in jail for 5 years. He tries to escape and is caught and given an additional 14 years in prison. After 19 years of brutally horrible imprisonment, he is released as a parolle with no hope. No one will hire him. It is winter. He is freezing and starving. He is found by a Catholic bishop who invites him in for dinner and a place to sleep out of the cold. Jean is almost out of his mind with hunger and ravenously eats. That night, out of desperation, lack of hope and fear, Jean steals the Priest’s silver and sets of into the night. He is quickly caught and violently returned to the bishop by a pompous officer wanting praise for returning a criminal and his loot. When the bishop sees Jean, he has compassion on him and extends to him 2 things: Mercy and Grace. In the Les Mis musical the Bishop tells Jean,

But my friend you left so early

Surely something slipped your mind.

You forgot… I gave these (his candlesticks) also;

Would you leave the best behind?

So messieurs, release him

This man has spoken true.

I commend you for your duty

And God's blessing go with you.

Mercy - Avoiding a punishment that you DO deserve.

Grace - Receiving a blessing that you do NOT deserve.

The bishop gave Jean both.  He allowed him to avoid the punishment of the rest of his life in prison (which was the penalty for stealing again).  And he gave him the blessing of the rest of his silver though he clearly didn’t deserve it.  But the bishop didn’t do this just for fun - he had a reason.  The bishop says, 

But remember this, my brother,

See in this some higher plan.

You must use this precious silver

To become an honest man.

By the witness of the martyrs,

By the passion and the blood,

God has raised you out of darkness:

I have saved your soul for God.

When I thought about this whole scene, I thought of how much it is like us and Christ.  Just as the bishop allowed Jean ValJean to avoid a punishment that he DID deserve (going back to jail for stealing), Christ allows us to avoid punishment for our sins by allowing us to repent and he will pay the price for them.

Just as the bishop gave Jean ValJean a blessing he did NOT deserve (the silver), Christ gives us the gift of salvation even though we could never be worthy of it.  Even if we worked 24 hours a day, every day, our efforts still wouldn’t be enough…

Just as the bishop bought (redeemed) Jean ValJean’s life with the price of his silver, Christ has bought us (redeemed us) with the price of his life.  I’m not sure why I never saw this correlation before (I’ve read the book and seen the play several times!) but I’ve been studying a lot about Grace lately and the meaning and symbolism of this scene really hit home.  

Jean didn’t earn the bishops grace & mercy.  We don’t EARN mercy and grace.  They are free gifts.  It is merely our choice to act upon them….or not.  Jean ValJean could have carried on being a thief just like we can continue on in sin and worldliness.  Or we (like Jean ValJean) can recognize the amazing gift/opportunity that has been given to us.  

He had to start over and choose to accept what the bishop had given him.  That made me wonder, What saves?  What saved Jean?  Was it his worthiness?  No.  

What saves us?  Is it our worthiness?  Is it our acts?  Going to church every week?  Reading our scriptures, Serving missions?  Taking the sacrament?

No.  It is the benevolent gift of our Savior.  We can never be worthy of his mercy or grace, yet he gives it anyway.  It is thru him we are given the opportunity to hold on to what we have already been given - the opportunity for Salvation.  We must react to that gift.  Embrace it.  Let it change us.  Dedicate ourselves to following Christ.

Salvation only comes thru Christ:

2N 2:3 ….Wherefore, I know that thou art redeemed, because of the righteousness of thy Redeemer

2N 10: 24 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved.

2N 2: 8   …there is no flesh that can dwell in the presence of God, save it be through the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah

Moroni 6:4   …relying alone upon the merits of Christ

Alma 22:14    And since man had fallen he could not merit anything of himself; but the sufferings and death of Christ atone for their sins

I love what Jean ValJean say when he leaves the bishop and the reality of what has just happened sinks in.  These words are awesome…

What have I done,

Sweet Jesus, what have I done?

Become a thief in the night

Become a dog on the run

And have I fallen so far

And as the hour so late

That nothing remains but the cry of my hate

The cries in the dark that nobody hears

Here where I stand at the turning of the years

(He recognizes that he is so unworthy, so far astray.  Just like us…)

If there's another way to go

I missed it twenty long years ago

My life was a war that could never be won

They gave me a number and they murdered Valjean

When they chained me and left me for dead

Just for stealing a mouthful of bread

(He questions and justifies who he has become.  We all have reasons we are not who we should be or wish we could be or know that we can become.  But he has a choice to make - we all do.  Do we allow Christ to touch us?  Teach us love?  Give us truth?  Call us brother/sister?  Claim us for God?  Is it all really possible?  Can he/we shake the life we have known for something better?)

Yet why did I allow this man

to touch my soul and teach me love?

He treated me like any other

He gave me his trust

He called me brother

My life he claims for God above

Can such things be?

For I had come to hate the world

This world that always hated me

Take an eye for an eye

Turn your heart into stone

This is all I have lived for

This is all I have known

He realizes the gravity of his situation in a new way.  Terror strikes him at what he was headed for.  He feels shame and remorse.

One word from him and I'd be back

beneath the lash, upon the rack (the rack was a torture device in the 1800’s)

Instead he offers me my freedom

I feel my shame inside me like a knife

He is touched by the strength of the Bishops faith.  But has so little himself that he can hardly believe him.

He told me that I have a soul

How does he know?

What spirit comes to move my life

Is there another way to go?

(He realizes there is more to know than what he knows.  I know there is SO much more than we know…. To know we must fall.  Fall away from sin and begin anew in Christ.)

I am reaching, but I fall

and the night is closing in

As I stare into the void

to the whirlpool of my sin

I'll escape now from that world

From the world of Jean Valjean

Jean Valjean is nothing now

Another story must begin!

I love when I find such a strong testimony of Christ and his purpose in the most unlikely places.  Victor Hugo wrote Les Miserables in 1862 in France.   Truth is truth no matter where it is found.  All things testify of Christ if we look closely.   Sometimes we can't see the truth at first glance or first read... often for me, it is not till much later that I can see God’s hand in something.  I think that is probably what the temple is like too.  We are there and see and hear over and over again and then one day it is there!  We see it.  A piece of truth we never noticed before.  Something that testifies to our soul in a way it couldn’t have until we were prepared to see it.    

So thank you book club ladies for choosing a book I needed to read to understand a concept that I thought I already understood.  There's nothing like a new book to open your eyes.