Waves

Waves wash in and waves wash out.  That is what a friend named Amy taught in her RS lesson the other night.  And emotions are just like waves she said.  The average wave lasts 5-10 seconds and then it's gone.  I've thought a lot about that since she said it.  But I find myself and my family focusing on the first few seconds of the emotion and getting stuck.  Not letting the wave wash back out.  Anger, frustration, elation, pride, jealousy, you name it and it is probably bad to stick there in the feeling too long.  Emotions, like waves are meant to I think are meant move us - literally to transport us from one spot to another.  To motivate us - change us and move us forward.  But we get stuck.  Stuck in the wave of anger so that we are unable to feel the smaller waves of love or forgiveness that follow.   Stuck in the wave of pride so we can't feel the waves of empathy or kindness that are lapping against us as well.

So that is my goal this month.  It is spring and my goal is to spring back from feeling emotions quicker.   Feel irritation or panic or anger or whatever - I am taking a full 10 seconds to experience the feeling then walk away from it.  It's empowering.  Power over feelings is strength.

Some emotions I have decided to experience a little longer - the emotions based in love.  Like adoration of a sweet child or contentment that I have a good man who loves me.  Those I will choose to bask in and perhaps even record but to the rest, hello and goodbye.  On to the rest of my day.

Never turn your back

Never turn your back.  Not for a minute.  That is what I have learned as a mother of twin boys and children in general.

Years ago,  we lived in our first home in Florida.  It was perfect and tiny and full of love.  998 square feet of love to be exact.  My whole house was visible from one spot - except the laundry.  Due to the tiny nature of our home, the washer and dryer were in the 1 car garage - approximately 15 feet from the door into the family room.

One day, I layed a big blanket on the floor in the family room and put some toys on it and scattered cheerios around it to give the twins something to do while I rotated the laundry.  Clothes from the dryer into a basket, clothes from washer into the dryer and start a new load.  That was it.  4 minutes tops.  And I was back in the family room to check on my 16 month old twins.  How much trouble could they get into in 4 minutes with an expertly arranged minefield of food and toys to distract them?

Here I must back up a bit and explain that we were poor.  Very poor.  Do-daycare-out-of-my-home-to-exist kind of poor.  We were in dental school and desperately trying to avoid taking out student loans to live.  We had just finished 4 years of dental school, 2 years of residency and had 3 kids.  Things were super tight and we had scraped together every penny we had to replace the carpeting in our house order to get top dollar for our tiny love shack.  We placed it on the market and luckily it sold quickly.  A few weeks from then we would be closing on the home and moving to Arizona.

Now you can understand why I had placed a BIG blanket down for the boys to play on.  Brand new white carpeting.  It looked magnificent and quite honestly may have been the single reason the house sold so quickly.  It was beautiful.

After doing the laundry, I walked back into the house and to my horror saw Colby sitting on the floor (NOT on the blanket) and Connor above him pouring a blue liquid over his head.  No joke.  I can't even make this stuff up.  As I surveyed the scene, I saw blue footprints around the dining room table  (which was on the carpet) and continuing on to the front door and back.  Colby was sitting in a foot wide puddle of green stuff.  His legs were covered in green and the blue liquid that covered his head was dripping off his chin making pretty blue spots on the carpet.  What in the world was going on?!? and what was this blue and green stuff?  I picked the twins up and dripping blue and green, raced them to the bathtub.  As I began rinsing them off, I realized that it didn't come off...  It was ink.  In terror, I bathed them as best I could and sternly put 2 blue/green aliens in their cribs for a nap to avoid further contamination and to keep from killing them.

Like in a horror movie, I went back to examine the scene of the crime.  HOW had this happened?  What was it?  Where did it come from?  Piecing together the clues:  The bottom drawer of James' desk was open.  There was a small cardboard box next to the drawer.  There was a bottle of red ink still inside and instructions on how to refill your printer's ink cartridges.  And 2 empty bottles of ink discarded in a mess of puddles and footprints.  They were 3 oz bottles with a capped tip.   I had no idea they existed.  I had no idea they were there.  I HAD NO IDEA.  But my boys found them and in 4 minutes had played Jackson Pollack on my carpet.  I was beside myself with fear knowing that we had spent all our money on the carpet and had none left over to replace it.  And the house was already sold.

I sat and sobbed in the middle of the colorful war zone.  And then prayed.  And then cried some more.  James was in school.  I had no family near.  I was alone and close to a meltdown.  Then I prayed some more and got up.  I found the phone book and began calling carpet cleaners.

What's on your carpet?
Printer ink....
Sorry - that won't come out.
Can you please come try.
No.  or Not till tomorrow. or It's not worth our time.

Then I would cry and pray and call again.

I went thru 4 cleaners and on the 5th I couldn't handle it anymore.  I bawled right into the phone.  Crying I explained the whole story to the lady on the other end (who happened to be the carpet cleaner's wife). She had pity on me and told me she would call her husband and have him come over right away but that we would need to pay for the cleaning whether it came out or not.  She told me not to touch it and to just hang on till he got there.  Mercifully, he arrived in 30 minutes and got to work.  He cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and treated and cleaned.  I went to my room and prayed.  "God, you know how much I need a miracle... please..."

An hour later he finished and the carpet was white.  The ink was gone.  My children were given a stay of execution.  The only remaining evidence of the crime were the 2 blue/green aliens still in their cribs.  I hugged the carpet cleaner and cried again.  Miracles are real.  I told him so.  God heard me and answered my prayers.  He knows me and let me feel the power of his grace as He fixed a problem that was too big for me.

Spencer W. Kimball once said, "God does notice us, and He watches over us.  But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs."   That day I felt God watching over me and was so grateful to that wife for convincing her husband to come help me.  I wonder if they realized that God had used them that day to bless me with a miracle?  I did.

God knows best

Two years ago I was praying for my teenage daughter and asking God what I could do to help her.  The answer I got surprised me.  Get a dog.

Flashback 2years... We got a lab puppy for Christmas named Bella.  Beautiful dog from a local breeder.  But a dog nonetheless.  I do not do dog hair in my house so Bella was an outside dog.  At first it was wonderful and new and fabulous and she was small.  But quickly she became big and not so wonderful as she began to chew up EVERYTHING.  Driplines, sprinkler heads, toys, and my 3 year old's head.  Every time Dalton or a small child went into the backyard, Bella would wait till their back was turned and pounce on them, knock them over and playfully chew on their head.  Little kids don't like that in case you were wondering... There were lots of tears, scrapes and scratches - none of them intentional but sad kids still.  It got to be that the kids stopped playing in the backyard and the neighbor kids couldn't come over without me outside too.  It was a problem.  We got a trainer.  She was great but we just couldn't get it under control.  As the weather got warmer, the kids wanted to be outside with Bella even less and Bella's behavior got worse.  In hindsight, (and 50 episodes of The Dog Whisperer later) we were a terrible pack for that dog and could do so much better now, but at the time, we were doing the best we knew how.  I decided it was best for everyone to get Bella a more suitable home and to give up the dream of having a dog to reclaim my yard.  It was sad, hard, terrible, heartbreaking and pitiful the day we gave her away.  Tears all around but I NEVER regretted it.  Or even missed her for that matter.  The kids, in their nostalgic way, missed her and had crying parties occasionally.   I never looked back.  No regrets.

So, the answer to my prayer... get a dog.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I had sworn off pets forever (especially after we had gone on a week vacation and forgotten about Connor's tiny pet frogs.  The water in their jar evaporated and the frogs desiccated and it was the closest thing to frog jerky I'd ever seen when we got home.)  Pets and I just didn't work out.  I had too much going on.

But when I feel God speak to me, I listen.  I had asked the question and clearly got an answer.   I didn't know how to break the news to James... so I made a lunch date.  Over lunch I sprung it on him. A dog.  Now.  You can imagine his surprise.  When I said, Guess what?  He never - even with a million guesses - would have guessed that one.   His disbelief was apparent and comical.  I told him I'd take care of it.  No worries.  It would be fine.

With his incredulous blessing, I started the search for THE dog.  I did a full 24 hours of research, went to a petstore (where James tried to buy the wrong, very expensive poodle), called on several ads (all turned out to be puppy mills) and looked on craigslist.  I found an ad on craigslist for Morkie puppies and called and went over right away.  It was a small, dismal house by the cemetery in Mesa.  The family owned the mom and the dad - who were both about as ugly a dog as there is...  And there were 7 puppies.  I spotted Jetta right away.  I took pictures of her and left.  I wasn't sold yet because if genetics were real, she had a high likelihood of being quite a mangy looking dog when grown.

So, I repeated the entire process - still not sure Jetta was the right pup for us.    But I couldn't get her off my mind.  I went back to craigslist to call about her again only to find their post had been removed.  Dang.  I started again.  Pet store, calls, research, ads...  And I couldn't get that puppy off my mind.  So I checked craigslist again.  The ad was back.  (Come to find out, the puppy mill breeders kept flagging their post and having it removed to eliminate competition.)  So, fortunately for me, the family still had ALL the puppies.  I took the girls out of school and rushed to their house.  I told the girls to pick out a puppy to see if God was really guiding me to that dog or if I was imagining it.  (I test God occasionally like that.. though I don't recommend it.)  Sure enough, Hailey went right to Jetta and picked her up and never put her down.  We bought her right then and there.

This story is special to me because I see God's love in my life.  For me.  For James.  For my children. He knows us and loves us and knew that, at that time, one of my children needed something very specific.  A dog.  That dog.  Jetta has turned out to be the most amazing infusion of love in our family.  She sleeps with Hailey every night, greets her at the door with boundless enthusiasm, keeps endless vigil over her when she is sick or sad and provides her something to love and care for.  That doesn't even take into account the love affair that goes on between my husband and the dog...  That's another story.  But suffice it to say Jetta is adored by all.  I trust her, love her and thank God every day for her.

#WhyIStay

I read an article about a guy who is a member of the church that addresses why he stays in the church amid the tongue wagging that is going on in the media by others who have left.  It made me ask myself the same question.  Here is my answer:  I make covenants and I keep them.  Each covenant I have made has been thought about and I have felt God's love assuring me that the covenant will help me be closer to him.  Covenants made are easy to keep when things are easy - they make sense then - you can easily understand why they are important.  It's when things get hard that covenants don't make sense and are hard to keep.  It's just like when I decide that sugar isn't good for me and I shouldn't eat it because it is making me unhealthy, fat and destroying my thyroid - that choice is easy.  When I am tired and stressed at 3:00 and all of my kids are flooding in with problems and chaos -  it is then that I want the sugar.  And I want it now.  I want it desperately.  I need it.  It calms me - makes me feel better.  But, all the problems it causes are still there - just to be dealt with later.   Breaking covenants is like procrastination.  It's going to be hard.  Now or later.  And the longer I put it off, the harder it gets.  Covenants keep me safe.  Covenants are the voice of reason when I am pulled so strongly in a direction that my reasonable self doesn't really want to go.  I stay because keeping my covenants keeps me moving the direction that I know I want to go.

I covenant to choose the right.   - it makes me strong
I covenant to be faithful to my husband.  - it makes me loyal
I covenant to always attend church.  - it makes me faithful
I covenant to teach my children every moment I can.  - it makes me useful
I covenant to give what I have to others.  - it makes me selfless
I covenant to go to the temple.  - it makes me devoted
I covenant to serve others.  - it makes me happy
I covenant to take care of my body.  - it makes me healthy
I covenant to speak kindly.  - it makes me gentle

I choose to try really hard.  That doesn't mean I am perfect and don't fail - because heaven knows I do.  But it means that when I fail, I know Christ is there waiting to pick me up and wipe me off and let me start again as soon as I am ready to ask for the help.  It means that when I fail, I am going to go right back to my covenants and try again.  Because that is what the part of me that is trying to be godly knows is best.  Make covenants and stick to them.  They are safety.  They are peace.  Maybe not in the moment but ultimately and eternally,  covenants are where I find God.

Slowing down

Yesterday was family pictures.  Always stressful.   I spent the whole day messing with clothes.  I did laundry, tried on clothes, did more laundry, looked for clothes that went together, looked for clothes  I couldn't find, did laundry some more and battled with Hailey over outfits.  We had a new photographer this year named Elena and she was legit.  She sent me info on "stylizing" our clothes for the "shoot".  I hadn't even considered that which is why I spent the whole day messing with clothes.  Geesh what a headache.  But by 3:00 I had 7 outfits that looked relatively good together and then it was time to get everyone cleaned up and out the door to the Riparian Preserve.  The Riparian is a nature preserve close to our house and it is lovely - even in the winter.

We met the photographer and took a million pictures.  First the family, then the kids together, then separate, then Hailey wanted one with the girls and Ivy wanted one with Dalton and the twins needed one together and then James & I and then more family photos.  And don't forget the dog - yes I was crazy enough to bring the dog who was understandably only interested in chasing the millions of rabbits at the preserve.  That added a bit of stress to say the least.  I was so afraid she'd get off her leash and never come back (which was a real possibility) that I put 2 leashes on her...  The boys kept running off to throw rocks in the pond and wrestle each other.  James kept wandering off to play a game on his phone.  The photographer kept calling for people who were nowhere around and the dog kept trying to bolt into the underbrush.  Somewhere during the shoot or perhaps before, I lost my sense of humor and went quietly to my happy place so I could handle the mass chaos around me.  My happy place on the outside looks really calm but inside it takes pretty much all my energy to like anyone around me.  And finally it was over.  I was sweating and the kids professed that to have been, "So much fun!".  Alternate universes are real.

Then it was off to dinner.  Mod pizza where everyone is happy.  Gluten free for those who need and all the amazing toppings you want.   Balsamic fig glaze and arugula for mom and massive amounts of Buffalo hot sauce for the twins.  Perfect.  It really is the Johnson Family Happy Place.  Ivy & Dalton charmed the cashier into offering them a free bottle of soda - happy kids.  It was peace at last.

Mom called me at Mod and asked if we wanted to come over after for FHE and watch a video of the Dutton family Variety show that they had just seen (they bought the DVD).  That was wonderful and a calming way to end the day.  We all love Nana & Bumpa's house.

Off to home at 8:30 to get the little ones in bed - quick!   So I could collapse into oblivion in my bed.  "Dalton - brush your teeth and hop into bed - quick!", I say.  Quick quick quick.  I want some time to myself.  Hurry.  Huryy.  Two minutes later (which is how long you should brush...), Dalton shows up at my feet with unbrushed teeth, a huge blanket and his homework (which hadn't been done).  "Mom, I have an idea!  How about we go in the backyard and look at the stars and cuddle and if there is enough light from the moon, I'll do my homework by moonlight!"   I think, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  The cold backyard is... cold and damp and dark and not my bed."  But, how could I resist that?  So we went to the backyard and layed out our blanket and covered up  with another blanket - to be joined by the now exhausted dog.  We talked and giggled and snuggled and told each other how much we loved each other and did homework by the amazing light of a very full moon.  Dalton saw a shooting star and Jetta was cozily tucked in between us.  It was beautiful and magical and slow.  At that moment, I didn't want any more of the day to go by quickly but I wanted to freeze that moment and bottle it.   Hold it and keep it forever.

I learn a lot from my kids.  Tonight my littlest taught me the beauty of slowing down and taking a minute to enjoy the moment.  I love that kid.